


just a feeling

by leeminhyung



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: ???? - Freeform, Ambiguous/Open Ending, Angst, Awkwardness, Friends to Lovers, Kinda, M/M, Pining, Sleepovers, but not actually lmao, but only if you view it that way, ha, i guess, i just didn't know how to end it, i mean it was meant to be somewhat angsty but i can't write for shit, like they're not living in dorms so, non-idol!au
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-01
Updated: 2018-08-01
Packaged: 2019-06-16 06:12:26
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,083
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15430725
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/leeminhyung/pseuds/leeminhyung
Summary: for some reason, mark's standing at donghyuck's front door at who-knows-what-hour.for some reason, donghyuck lets him in.and for some reason, both of their hearts beat faster than ever.





	just a feeling

**Author's Note:**

> i wrote this last year at 2am after my birthday bc i was in the mood for angst (but honestly this is poorly written sdkjfn)
> 
> posting this in honour of mark lee's 20th birthday! i love him so much ♡

**MARK NEVER THOUGHT** that leaving for university would be such a big deal. What was so special about a new school? He'd been to multiple of those throughout his life; in fact, he'd even  _lived_  in different  _countries_. Canada, America, and South Korea — he'd thought that university would be nothing, compared to packing up and moving homes.

Turns out he thought wrong.

Because there's something different this time. Because when he'd left Vancouver and New York, he was only leaving teachers he didn't know too well and friends that would probably forget him sooner or later. Because now, there's someone in his life named Lee Donghyuck.

Their relationship — or  _friendship_ , per se — is a little complicated. Up until now, everything has been completely platonic, because ' _no homo, dude_ '. And sure, Donghyuck likes kissing Mark, but that doesn't mean he actually has  _feelings_  for him or anything.

Or maybe he does.

But that doesn't matter, right? Because Mark doesn't like him back anyways.  _He'll be off to university tomorrow, and while he's gone, my feelings for him will die off._  That's Donghyuck's plan, and he's certain it'll work. The problem is, Mark leaving in itself isn't going to be as easy as he thought.

When Mark shows up on Donghyuck's doorstep at exactly 10:49 p.m., neither of them really know what to say. It's dark, both outside and inside the house — the dim streetlights don't really help with anything, and everyone in Donghyuck's house is in their respective bedrooms upstairs — and Mark decides to break the silence.

"Hi," he says, a little breathless for a reason neither of them know. This unplanned rendezvous shouldn't be awkward, so why is it?

"Mark," replies Donghyuck, his voice a little airy too, almost as if he can't believe his best friend (and kind-of-crush) is standing at his front door. Then he shakes out of it. "Mark! What the hell are you doing here? Aren't you leaving tomorrow?"

Hopefully Donghyuck doesn't come off as angry, because that's certainly not what he intends for. In truth, he's just shocked; confused, even. Seriously, what  _is_  he doing here? He'd thought he wouldn't be seeing Mark for the next while, although he's definitely not complaining.

"To see you," says Mark. "I came to see you... and to say goodbye."

_Goodbye_.

That word causes a pang of sadness to go off in Donghyuck's heart. It wouldn't be unusual, if not for the fact that this time — unlike previously — it doesn't go away. The sorrow within him is burning brighter by the second, and he can't do anything to make it go away.

Before saying another word, Donghyuck reaches out to grab Mark by the wrist. He pulls him into his house, shuts the door gently as to not wake up his parents, and locks it. And  _oh shit_ , thinks Donghyuck. He can feel himself getting softer by the second, his true feelings threatening to seep through.

"You idiot," says Donghyuck, but it lacks the crudeness of an actual insult; it almost comes out as a cry. "Mark, you idiot," he says, repeating himself, quieter this time, and less stable, too. "Why?"

"Is it wrong to want to see my best friend one last time?" questions Mark, the slightest hint of a joke in his tone, and Donghyuck kind of wants to punch him for taking this situation so lightly. He doesn't, though, once he realizes that being serious right now would probably just make things harder for himself.

"Of course not," he answers. "But it's so late! Shouldn't you be home right now? Last-minute packing or something?"

Mark grins, just the tiniest little bit, and his cheeks do  _the thing_  and he becomes impossibly cuter. Even though Donghyuck can barely see him — the only source of light is the moonlight seeping in through the windows — his heart skips a beat.

"Nah. I forced myself to do everything beforehand, because I'm just  _that_  responsible." Donghyuck stares at him with a look that says  _I don't believe you_. "Okay, okay, and it was so I could come see you without having to rush home and do things last minute, like you mentioned."

"I hate you," says Donghyuck, and he can't control the smile of his own forming. But even though he says one thing, he means the complete opposite.  _I love you_  is what he wants to say, but he won't. He doesn't want to ruin what they have  _right before_  Mark leaves.

"So..." Mark scratches the nape of his head. " Can I—"

"Wait," says Donghyuck, cutting him off abruptly. "Did you drive here yourself? How long are you staying?"

"That's what I was going to ask you," says Mark sheepishly. "Yeah, I drove here by myself."  _Always the overachiever, getting his driver's permit already and all_ , thinks Donghyuck. "I was wondering if — uh, if I could stay the night...? It's totally fine if you say no."

Donghyuck looks at him like he's absolutely crazy. "When has the answer ever been no?"

"I-I don't know," stammers Mark, nervous all of a sudden. "It's just that it's pretty late now, so I thought maybe that — that it'd be different this time."

The younger just shakes his head as if to say  _what an idiot_ , grabs Mark's wrist  _again_ , and drags him upstairs. They enter Donghyuck's bedroom, whose lights were already on, because he didn't turn them off when he went to go answer the doorbell earlier. Mark sets his duffel bag down gently.

"Make yourself comfortable. You always do, anyways. I'm just gonna go brush my teeth, okay?"

"Yeah. Yeah, okay."

As soon as Donghyuck exits the room, Mark exhales deeply, letting out a breath he didn't realize he was holding. It's not all fun and games, and he knows that once morning comes, he'll have to go. But for now, at least, maybe he'll be able to make his last moments with Donghyuck worth it.

Before he knows it, Donghyuck is back from the bathroom, changed into his cow print pyjamas with hearts all over it. He jumps onto his double bed, the pillows bouncing a meager height into the air and then back down from the impact. Mark just stares at him with a blank expression.

"Whatcha thinkin' about, Mark?" inquires Donghyuck curiously. "You're going to university tomorrow; you're so  _old_  now! Is that it?" he teases.

Mark shakes out of his daze, coming back to his senses. "Huh? Oh, no, it's nothing important." Changing the subject before Donghyuck gets too suspicious, Mark continues, "Hey, so do you have a blanket I can use? Your hardwood floor is probably going to be uncomfortable."

He ponders upon the question for a little.  _I do, don't I?_  But then he realizes that yes, while he  _does_  have multiple spare blankets, they're all in the linen closet. The  _locked_  closet, in which the key to it is in his parents' room, because he'd left it there and was too lazy to ever go retrieve it. Fuck.

"Um, about that..." starts Donghyuck, and now it's his turn to sound sheepish. "Long story short, no, I don't have any extra blankets."

"Oh. Uh, okay, then I'll just—"

"You can sleep in my bed," blurts Donghyuck before he can stop himself.  _What the fuck am I saying?_  But it's too late. Mark's already heard him, and he's going to think he's  _weird_ , and he's going to hate him, and  _goddammit_ , what was he thinking? But before he can even  _try_  to cover it up, Mark starts babbling like a little kid.

"Really? You mean it? Like, you won't think it's weird?" says Mark, talking faster than normal. "I was going to ask, but I figured you'd say no, and—"

"Just shut up, Mark," says Donghyuck, cutting him off again. " _Yes_ , I mean it. Now get over here before I change my mind."

Mark's in his pyjamas too: a matching top and bottom, fuzzy and periwinkle blue, covered in cartoon monkey heads, also with the occasional heart here and there. Donghyuck can't help but think how  _soft_  he looks, and how much he just wants to hug him and never let go.

(He doesn't express those feelings out loud.

He lets Mark climb into his bed before he hops off and goes to turn off the light. Donghyuck reminds himself that all they're going to do is sleep. Maybe talk a little, but that's it.

He gets back into his bed a few seconds later, pulling the covers up until they reach his shoulders. Donghyuck lies on his back, facing upwards so he sees the ceiling, because he's not sure if he's supposed to look at Mark or not. He's a little surprised to feel movement beside him, indicating that Mark is doing the same thing.

This time, it's Donghyuck who breaks the silence.

"So," he whispers. "University, huh?"

"Yeah," mumbles Mark in response. "I can't believe I won't see you for months."

"Me neither." Donghyuck's voice is shaky, and  _holy shit_  it's so obvious that he's about to cry. But he holds it in, forces himself to stay strong, because fuck feelings.

He's taken aback to hear Mark sounding almost exactly the same. "I don't want to, Donghyuck. I don't want to leave you. Life passes by too quickly."

"I know, Mark. I know." There's sniffling coming from the left of Donghyuck, and the only thing he can think to do is to hug his best friend. "Stop crying, you dork. We're going to keep in contact."

He turns so he sees Mark's side and wraps his arms around him, throwing his right arm over his torso. Mark turns too, and now they're facing each other. Yet again basking in the faint moonlight, the two can only  _partially_  see each other's faces, but perhaps it's for the best.

"I'm going to miss seeing you at school every day," laments Mark. "And I'm going to miss showing up at each other's houses at unexpected times, and I'm going to miss our Dance Dance Revolution battles at the arcade, and I'm going to miss  _us_."

And suddenly Donghyuck's crying too, because Mark's sappy, emotion-filled words are getting to him. But Mark has no right to feel this way, because he's not the one who's been in love with his best friend for  _years_ , so that's exactly what Donghyuck tells him.

"You need to stop doing this," sobs Donghyuck quietly. "You make it sound like  _you're_  the one who's hurting the most, but I'm the one who's had a crush on you for years!  _Years_ , Mark Lee,  _years_. And — and you never fucking noticed! All this time, I've been so close to you, yet so  _far_ , and now you're leaving. How do you think  _I_ feel?"

There's heavy breathing in the room from both Mark and Donghyuck. Aside from that, though, silence has fallen again. Donghyuck realizes he's said too much, and his plans of never confessing his feelings to Mark has gone terribly, terribly wrong.

"I'm s-sorry," says Mark, his voice still shaky and almost inaudible now, too, because he's talking so quietly.

"Sorry for what?" spits Donghyuck, and it's half anger, half sadness. "Are you sorry because you don't want to be friends with me anymore?"

" _No!_ " says Mark, denying it quickly, and Donghyuck's statement has only made him cry harder. "I-I'm sorry I didn't tell you earlier! That I—" he sniffles. "—I f-feel the same way!"

It's as though time stops for a moment, right then and there. Everything freezes except for Donghyuck and his feelings. His heart is beating faster than ever now, and he doesn't know what to do, because his mind is filled with Mark, and Mark, and more Mark. The filter on his thoughts is long gone now, and he says the one thing he can think of.

"I love you, Mark Lee."

"D-Donghyuck, I love you too."

—

When Donghyuck wakes up the next morning, the sun is gleaming brightly. The clock on his bedside table reads 11:27 a.m., and there's nothing to prove that last night wasn't a dream. He's alone in his bed, Mark's duffel bag is gone, and the white KIA Mark drives is gone, too.

_Perhaps it really was a dream, then_ , thinks Donghyuck, pondering upon the thought. Perhaps Mark only ever saw him as a friend, which was expected, anyways. Perhaps now, his feelings still have a chance of dying away.

But if none of it was real, why does Donghyuck's heart still ache so much?

**Author's Note:**

> obviously i have no clue how to write emotions whoops


End file.
